Sunday, May 22, 2011

A Sign from God

Earlier last week, I was driving home from school and I was praying out loud.  Whenever I don't like what's on the radio, I hit the mute button and pray.  It happens quite often.  Well, my conversation went a little something like this..."God, please, I'm begging you, give us a sign, let me know you hear our prayers.  PA-LEASE!! Give me something!  This is SO hard!  This waiting is too much!"  So, after lunch on Tuesday, I walk back to class, awaiting the kids to come down the hall to begin the afternoon.  I saw my red message light blinking and began to listen.  Little ones hurried in the room, grabbing their books. Thank goodness I've trained them well, to come back quietly and start to read.  I love how independent they are at this time of year!  Well, the message I was hearing I couldn't believe!  I had to play it back 3 times.  It was a lady from our church.  She and her husband were in the same parenting class we had to take last summer.  They recently adopted a little girl in January and she told me about the attorney and agency they had placed with, were having difficulties finding couples for a few birthmoms.  She also emailed me a TON of names and numbers of agencies who will work with us as a 2nd agency.  All week long I made phone calls, sent emails, and networked like crazy.  Things didn't pan out the way we had hoped, but we did get our names on the board with a few more people.  I think it was definitely a sign from God.  I think it her phone call may very well open a door for us.  O.k. God, I hear you.  Thanks for the sign!  Now... we keep on praying and waiting.  

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Your Mother is Always With You

Your mother is always with you...
She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.
She's the smell of bleach in
your freshly laundered socks.
She's the cool hand on your
brow when you're not well.
Your mother lives inside
your laughter. She's crystallized
in every tear drop...
She's the place you came from,
your first home.. She's the map you
follow with every step that you take.
She's your first love and your first heart
break....and nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, Not space...
Not even death....
will ever separate you
from your mother....
You carry her inside of you....
Remembering my mom today and missing her so much.  A year and half has gone by since she died and I can not believe that much time has passed.  This poem was read by Rev. Schloup at her funeral and I was so glad I found it today, in honor of Mother's Day.  Praying for all those who have lost their mothers, praying for all those who long to be a mother.   Praying for our birthmother, whoever she may be.          
 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Frustrations

I finally gave in and called the 2nd adoption agency we recently applied with.  We wanted to expand our search and increase our chances of placement sooner.  I was mad when the reply I heard was a "Oh, we're sorry, we're not taking any new applicants."  SURE WOULD'VE BEEN NICE IF YOU'D JUST TOLD ME THAT OVER THE PHONE BEFORE I FILLED OUT 4 PAGES OF PAPERWORK, MAILED A HUGE ENVELOPE AND SPENT THE LAST COUPLE WEEKS WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU! OH. MY. GOODNESS!!!!! Really?!!!! Really?!!! Frustration doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of how I'm feeling!  I'd almost rather go through another IVF procedure and give myself shots all over again because it's less painful.  (Plus, the 2 Valium and 2 Vicodin on an empty stomach felt REALLY groovy!!!) Nevertheless, I find comfort and support when I go to "blogland" and read about other perspective adoptive couples who are going through the same painful waiting. 
"On Loan From Heaven" is one that I recently began reading.  She described beautifully the exact sentiments I have had this week!  It really made me stop and think though.  The following is almost verbatim from her blog, but it is truly how we are feeling at this point.  I think many can relate. 

"Be still...", "Do not let your heart be troubled...", "I am waiting for the Lord...", "I know the plans I have for you...",

Do you ever feel like you just don't want to do it anymore? That you can't handle another painful lesson, another indefinite period of uncertainty that's inevitably mixed with fear, anxiety, hurt, and what seems like the continuation of endless disappointment? Yeah.Us too.
The ‘wait’ is torturous and it just doesn’t matter who you are or what your circumstances are, or if you’re waiting for #1 or #2 or #3. While waitin for our baby, more often than not, God's Word brings us peace, and comfort, and more patience at times when a storm is raging. He calms it. He dulls the pain and though there's still an ache, it becomes bearable. Tolerable. Until the next wave.

But can we be honest for a second?

We’re not tolerating this very well. We’re not very patient. At times, we don't think we can bear ‘this’ anymore. And sometimes we just can't hear Him. Oh, we know He's talking... He just seems to be whispering when all we want Him to do is scream and yell, just like us but slightly more gracefully. In a way that will force us to listen because the problem isn't that He's whispering... it's that we’re too wrapped up in pain and grief and frustration to really hear Him.

So what's God telling us in the wait? What in the world is the lesson we’re supposed to be learning now... please, tell us because we’ll do anything we can at this moment to learn it and move on, toward His plan.

And His still small voice whispers, “This part, this pain, IS part of my plan.”

So I've been thinking a lot about faith.... or maybe it's better to say that I've been 'learning' a lot about faith.

'Faith' is an interesting word. "Faith is trusting Him BEFORE the blessings come." Because if you don't trust before, then you really don't have faith... you're just calling the waiting part 'faith' because it sounds good. If you say that your 'faith' and 'trust' in His plan got you through when it's all said and done, you can automatically forget and negate your painful impatience, the tears of anguish that fell every day, with every disappointment, and the sickness that took up permanently temporary residence in the pit of your stomach. You can just call it ‘faith’.

So where does that leave us? At what point does the noun become the verb? We trust. We have faith. Not later when it's all said and done. We trust NOW. We have faith in HIS faithfulness. We listen. We try with everything that's in us to hear His voice.

"It's ok, my child. Be sad. Allow yourself to feel my arms around you. Don't fight me. Cry. Scream.  And then, in the quiet of the storm...be still. I love you. I've got this. Be still."
So we will. We’ll be still. We'll feel and be sad and cry and scream and let the people around us who love us, love us... and we’ll be ok. We’ll take comfort in those who’ve been here before us. We’ll trust the people who’ve dedicated their lives to helping us find our precious little one.

But we have to let God do the rest.

Heavenly Father~ We’re trying so hard to hear you. Please don't stop talking to us. Please whisper, talk, yell, and scream. We promise to listen. Wrap your loving arms around us all. Give us patience. Show us your plan, Lord. Help us to just be still.