A Sign from God

Earlier last week, I was driving home from school and I was praying out loud.  Whenever I don't like what's on the radio, I hit the mute button and pray.  It happens quite often.  Well, my conversation went a little something like this..."God, please, I'm begging you, give us a sign, let me know you hear our prayers.  PA-LEASE!! Give me something!  This is SO hard!  This waiting is too much!"  So, after lunch on Tuesday, I walk back to class, awaiting the kids to come down the hall to begin the afternoon.  I saw my red message light blinking and began to listen.  Little ones hurried in the room, grabbing their books. Thank goodness I've trained them well, to come back quietly and start to read.  I love how independent they are at this time of year!  Well, the message I was hearing I couldn't believe!  I had to play it back 3 times.  It was a lady from our church.  She and her husband were in the same parenting class we had to take last summer.  They recently adopted a little girl in January and she told me about the attorney and agency they had placed with, were having difficulties finding couples for a few birthmoms.  She also emailed me a TON of names and numbers of agencies who will work with us as a 2nd agency.  All week long I made phone calls, sent emails, and networked like crazy.  Things didn't pan out the way we had hoped, but we did get our names on the board with a few more people.  I think it was definitely a sign from God.  I think it her phone call may very well open a door for us.  O.k. God, I hear you.  Thanks for the sign!  Now... we keep on praying and waiting.  

Your Mother is Always With You

Your mother is always with you...

She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.

She's the smell of bleach in
your freshly laundered socks.

She's the cool hand on your
brow when you're not well.

Your mother lives inside
your laughter. She's crystallized
in every tear drop...

She's the place you came from,
your first home.. She's the map you
follow with every step that you take.

She's your first love and your first heart
break....and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, Not space...
Not even death....
will ever separate you
from your mother....

You carry her inside of you....

Remembering my mom today and missing her so much.  A year and half has gone by since she died and I can not believe that much time has passed.  This poem was read by Rev. Schloup at her funeral and I was so glad I found it today, in honor of Mother's Day.  Praying for all those who have lost their mothers, praying for all those who long to be a mother.   Praying for our birthmother, whoever she may be.          
 

Frustrations

I finally gave in and called the 2nd adoption agency we recently applied with.  We wanted to expand our search and increase our chances of placement sooner.  I was mad when the reply I heard was a "Oh, we're sorry, we're not taking any new applicants."  SURE WOULD'VE BEEN NICE IF YOU'D JUST TOLD ME THAT OVER THE PHONE BEFORE I FILLED OUT 4 PAGES OF PAPERWORK, MAILED A HUGE ENVELOPE AND SPENT THE LAST COUPLE WEEKS WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU! OH. MY. GOODNESS!!!!! Really?!!!! Really?!!! Frustration doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of how I'm feeling!  I'd almost rather go through another IVF procedure and give myself shots all over again because it's less painful.  (Plus, the 2 Valium and 2 Vicodin on an empty stomach felt REALLY groovy!!!) Nevertheless, I find comfort and support when I go to "blogland" and read about other perspective adoptive couples who are going through the same painful waiting. 
"On Loan From Heaven" is one that I recently began reading.  She described beautifully the exact sentiments I have had this week!  It really made me stop and think though.  The following is almost verbatim from her blog, but it is truly how we are feeling at this point.  I think many can relate. 

"Be still...", "Do not let your heart be troubled...", "I am waiting for the Lord...", "I know the plans I have for you...",

Do you ever feel like you just don't want to do it anymore? That you can't handle another painful lesson, another indefinite period of uncertainty that's inevitably mixed with fear, anxiety, hurt, and what seems like the continuation of endless disappointment? Yeah.Us too.
The ‘wait’ is torturous and it just doesn’t matter who you are or what your circumstances are, or if you’re waiting for #1 or #2 or #3. While waitin for our baby, more often than not, God's Word brings us peace, and comfort, and more patience at times when a storm is raging. He calms it. He dulls the pain and though there's still an ache, it becomes bearable. Tolerable. Until the next wave.

But can we be honest for a second?

We’re not tolerating this very well. We’re not very patient. At times, we don't think we can bear ‘this’ anymore. And sometimes we just can't hear Him. Oh, we know He's talking... He just seems to be whispering when all we want Him to do is scream and yell, just like us but slightly more gracefully. In a way that will force us to listen because the problem isn't that He's whispering... it's that we’re too wrapped up in pain and grief and frustration to really hear Him.

So what's God telling us in the wait? What in the world is the lesson we’re supposed to be learning now... please, tell us because we’ll do anything we can at this moment to learn it and move on, toward His plan.

And His still small voice whispers, “This part, this pain, IS part of my plan.”

So I've been thinking a lot about faith.... or maybe it's better to say that I've been 'learning' a lot about faith.

'Faith' is an interesting word. "Faith is trusting Him BEFORE the blessings come." Because if you don't trust before, then you really don't have faith... you're just calling the waiting part 'faith' because it sounds good. If you say that your 'faith' and 'trust' in His plan got you through when it's all said and done, you can automatically forget and negate your painful impatience, the tears of anguish that fell every day, with every disappointment, and the sickness that took up permanently temporary residence in the pit of your stomach. You can just call it ‘faith’.

So where does that leave us? At what point does the noun become the verb? We trust. We have faith. Not later when it's all said and done. We trust NOW. We have faith in HIS faithfulness. We listen. We try with everything that's in us to hear His voice.

"It's ok, my child. Be sad. Allow yourself to feel my arms around you. Don't fight me. Cry. Scream.  And then, in the quiet of the storm...be still. I love you. I've got this. Be still."
So we will. We’ll be still. We'll feel and be sad and cry and scream and let the people around us who love us, love us... and we’ll be ok. We’ll take comfort in those who’ve been here before us. We’ll trust the people who’ve dedicated their lives to helping us find our precious little one.

But we have to let God do the rest.

Heavenly Father~ We’re trying so hard to hear you. Please don't stop talking to us. Please whisper, talk, yell, and scream. We promise to listen. Wrap your loving arms around us all. Give us patience. Show us your plan, Lord. Help us to just be still.
 

This and That

Long time no blog!  I know!  Things have been busy, sad, busy, now happy again!  School, Easter, Spring, new yardwork, spring cleaning, filling out 2nd adoption agency paperwork, school, etc... Earlier this week when I thought I'd be able to blog again, Scott and I learned of the sad news about the momma eagle who was struck and killed by a plane Tuesday.  We had been watching this eagle family and their 3 eaglets for 2 months, non stop now.  *see previous post* Well, who ever would've thought you could get so attached to these amazing creatures? Goodness!  We watched as the dad eagle came back to feed them and look for the momma eagle.  It was so sad.  Then, the experts determined the eaglets would have the best chance of survival at the Virgina Wildlife Center, where they would be cared for and provided an environment closest to nature.  The eaglets were removed from the nest and taken to their new location Wednesday.  Well, I could ramble on about these eagles forever.  It was a distraction though.  It certainly took my mind off the adoption for a little bit.  We've been hoping to hear from the new agency we applied with last week.  If they are open to new adoptive parents in the program, we will be increasing our chances of being matched with a birth mom. The counties they serve are more populated than the one we are currently with.  Plus, the statistics of this agency are very impressive!  They have placed 35 infants per year the last 2 years!  They get birthmoms from all over the state too.  So, we are prayerful and hopeful we hear good news early next week!  Thank you friends and family who continue to pray for and with us!  We appreciate your continued support in our journey. 

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Adoption Support Group

Yesterday was a rough day.  It rained, it poured, it was just a gloomy, blah kind of day.  Scott and I went to Panera for breakfast and our conversation turned into the same gloomy grey as the weather.  Of course we were talking about our adoption and how frustrating it is to have to wait.  Some days are definitely easier than others, but lately, it's no fun.  You'd think we'd be used to it by now.  Waiting is our middle name.  4 1/2 years of fertility treatments, waiting... no problem, right?  Wrong!  We try so very hard to be positive and not go down this road, but we've been feeling so down lately. 

I received an invite to an adoption support group at a local church.  The event was for families who've adopted, foster to adopt parents, or those in the process of adoption.  Another teacher and I decided we would go last week.  Although yesterday, I wanted to change my mind.  I didn't want to go.   But then, sitting in church today, I felt that God was calling me to attend.  He wanted me there.  So, we went.  The gathering was an Easter Egg hunt, combined with an animal entertainer, and a flag raising in front of the church, to honor the country where their most recent adoption came from.  My teacher friend and I saw some parents we knew and immediately were introduced to some new faces.  We watched in awe the many beautiful faces of children from around the world.  We had the opportunity to listen to testimonies of so many successful and unsuccessful adoptions, foster situations.   The families were very supportive and open about their journeys.  One thing was clear, it was all worth it.  They'd do it all over again.  I appreciated their honesty and letting us know, adoption and waiting is not an easy thing.  God's message was clear though.  He's with us, he has been all along.  It reminded me of the Footprints story.  http://llerrah.com/footprints.htm  I believe God's purpose for me being there was another way of saying, "Hang in there, you will be blessed beyond imagination, if you continue to believe."  So we are praying for the many other couples and families out there who are continuing to wait and having a difficult time. God be with you.

Sweet, Sweet Baby

Scott and I are contemplating expanding our search with adoption.  We are looking into additional agencies and thinking it might increase our chances for placement quicker.  I know so many other couples have waited a lot longer than we have.  It has only been 6 months "officially".  It's coming up on almost a year though since we began all the paperwork last May.  But, I also take into consideration the 4 1/2 years of fertility treatments and procedures and the fact that we're a little older than most couples.  It is incredibly hard to be patient.  We have faith and know it will happen in God's time, not ours.  That was by far, the hardest part to surrender to.  So, we are praying for our birthmother, wherever she may be, whoever she is.  We pray first of all, she chooses life.  We pray for her to get the support and care she needs during her pregnancy.  We pray for her in the hardest decision of her life and the greatest sacrifice.   And we pray for our little one.  We can't imagine the indescribable joy we will feel the day we finally get to meet him or her!   This sweet, sweet video is from Christian Adoption Consultants.  I actually didn't cry watching this, I just felt a sense of peace.  I think it was God's way of saying, "Here, watch this, it will be you soon.  Have faith.  I am with you."  Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6odB5WNPQ0
 

Cribs

We did some serious crib hunting over break and I have to say, we both agree on the same styles and  darker finishes!  Amazing!  Now, if only we could do the same on a new vehicle. (but, that's a whole other post I won't even get into now!)   Some of our favorites are:

We love the 4 in 1 cribs and how they will grow with our child, (from crib, to toddler bed, to day bed, to full size bed).   As I was once again reading and perusing other adoption blogs, I found the most precious painting in a nursery .  Above the crib read "For this child I have prayed. - 1 Samuel 1:27" I saw this and instantly cried.  I just thought, "How incredibly perfect is that?!" One thing is for sure, no matter what crib we buy, boy or girl, that quote will grace our little one's room. 

Each day we pray for our little one, until our time of waiting is done,
We pray the Lord keep you safe from harm, until the child of our dreams, becomes the child in our arms.